


Falling Forever

by Vinnamon_Spice



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Death, Gay, I had problems, I'm Sorry, I'm reuploading this, In a way, Loop, M/M, Nobody stays dead, Time Loop, redo AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-24
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2019-02-06 05:25:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12810579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vinnamon_Spice/pseuds/Vinnamon_Spice
Summary: Evan wakes up the morning of his first day of senior year, having already lived it.Connor wakes up the morning of his first day of senior year, having killed himself the same day.





	Falling Forever

The shrill beeping of an alarm clock, accompanied with angry red flashing numbers, woke Evan Hansen up. As he moved to shut the loud noise off, his brain registered two things at once. One was the time; his clock read 6:30 AM, the other being the weight on his left arm. Evan’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, he hadn’t gotten up at 6:30 since he was in his senior year of high school, and he was pretty sure he hadn’t slept on his arm last night. Evan shut the alarm off and moved his left arm up to push back his hair, only to smack himself in the face with a white cast.  
_What? My cast is gone, it’s been off since- _Evan’s train off thought was halted by his mother knocking on his bedroom door, then opening it. She held one hand on the doorknob, the other hand held a twenty dollar bill.__

____

"So you just decided to not eat last night?" His mom asked, looking very tired. 

____

“W-what?” Evan asked, confused. _I had dinner with mom last night, what was she talking about?_

____

"You're a senior in high school, Evan. You need to be able to order dinner for yourself if I'm at work. You can do it all online now. You don't have to talk to anyone on the phone. I know you don't like the phone." His mom continued, almost sounding as tired as she looked. Evan was still confused. 

____

"What are you talking about, mom?" Evan asked again, hoping to get a better answer out of his mother this time. "We ate dinner together last night after I came home from work." 

____

"Work? Evan, you're a senior in high school. You don't have a job." Heidi replied, concern lacing her tone. Her brows furrowed in confusion. 

____

"S-senior? That can't be-That's not impossible. I've already f-finished?" Evan tried to explain. "I graduated after the w-whole Connor pro-" 

____

"I think you were dreaming, honey. I'm sorry. It's time to get ready for school. Maybe you can ask the other kids at school to sign your cast!" Once his mother had left the room, Evan had gotten up and got dressed. But he knew it was more than a dream. Evan made sure to grab a sharpie before he left.

____

~

____

Once he had gotten to school, Alana Beck immediately came up to Evan. 

____

"Hey, how was your summer?" she asked.

____

"I-it was-"

____

"Mine was productive. I did three internships and ninety hours of community service. I know, wow." Alana continued, looking quite pleased with herself. However Evan knew how she was really feeling. Deep down, Alana was just like him. Alone. Unseen. Maybe he could change that. 

____

"T-that's great, Alana! Really! Y-you must be proud." Evan complimented, plastering a smile on his face. He didn't want his so-called 'dream' to come true. Maybe he could fix it all, and make everyone happy. Starting with Alana, who looked slightly surprised. 

____

"Thank you. Evan though I was so busy, I still made some great friends. Or, well, acquaintances, more like." She smiled. 

____

"Would you, uh, maybe w-want to sign my cast?" Evan asked.

____

"Oh my god. What happened to your arm?" Alana asked, not really answering Evan's question. Evan wanted to sigh. It was the same. 

____

"I fell out of a tree, and it b-broke."

____

"Oh, really? My grandma broke her hip getting into the bathtub in July. That was the beginning of the end, the doctors said. Because then she died." Alana looked sad for a moment, and Evan wanted to console her. However he didn't know how. 

____

"I-I'm sorry for your loss." He managed, awkwardly reaching to pat Alana on the arm. He really hoped it didn't come off as creepy, or that his palms weren't sweaty. Alana again seems slightly surprised at Evan's behavior, but plastered on a smile anyways.

____

"Happy first day." Alana said before running off, as Jared approached Evan this time. 

____

"Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off too much or do you consider that an honor?" Jared asked smugly. Evan again wanted to sigh. 

____

"I wasn't doing t-that, Jared." 

____

"Paint me the picture, you're up in your room, you've got Zoe Murphy's Instagram up on your weird, off-brand cell phone.." 

____

"Jared, I fell out of a tree." Jared laughs at Evan's response.

____

"You fell out of a tree? What are you, like, an acorn?" The shorter boy said cruelly.

____

"I w-was working as a ranger at Ellison s-state park, and I climbed a f-forty foot o-oak tree." Evan stuttered, his chest feeling tight as he remembered that day, although it seemed so long ago. 

____

"And then you fell...?"

____

"Yes. How was your s-summer?" Evan quickly changed the subject, unwilling to continue the conversation about his fall. Jared didn't notice, and went on to talk about his summer. 

____

"Well, my bunk dominated in capture the flag and I got to second-base-below-the-bra with this one girl from Israel who's going to like, be in the army...So, yeah, hopefully that answers your question." Jared turns to go, and Evan spoke up, maybe Jared will want to sign Evan's pitifully blank cast this time. 

____

"Do you want to s-sign my cast?" He asked, hoping. 

____

"Why are you asking me?" Jared turned back around, answering Evan's question with his own. 

____

"Well, just, I thought, because we're friends-"

____

"We're family friends. There's a difference and you know it." Jared punches Evan's arm. Evan sighs. "Hey, tell your mom I was nice to you or else my parents won't pay for my car insurance." 

____

"Okay." 

____

Connor enters the hallway, and Evan feels relief wash over him. _Connor's alive! He's okay!_

____

"Hey, Connor, I'm loving the new hair length! Very school shooter chic." Connor stops in his tracks, staring directly at Jared, who shrinks a little. "I was kidding. It was a joke." 

____

"Yeah, no, it was funny. I'm laughing. Can't you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you?" Connor says angrily, his voice getting louder with each word. Jared laughs awkwardly. 

____

"You're such a freak." Jared leaves quickly. Connor drags his eyes over to Evan. 

____

"I-I'm sorry." He says, surprising both himself and Connor. _What are you doing!?_

____

"What?" Connor spits, still angry.

____

"I'm s-sorry. For Jared. It was, um, r-rude." 

____

"It's whatever." Connor replied, looking at Evan quizzically. 

____

"Are you um, a-are you okay?" Evan asked, hoping to try and befriend Connor, or to do something, so he wouldn't go home and...

____

"Am I okay?" Connor echoed in a blank tone. "I'm- I'm fine. It doesn't matter." Connor stalked off, looking back over his shoulder at Evan once he was halfway down the hallway, an odd look on his face. Evan sighed again, before deciding to just get to class. 

____

~

____

As soon as it was lunch, Evan scrambled to the computer lab. The blond sits at the same computer as before, and logs in. He begins to write a letter to himself. 

____

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

____

_It might not be an amazing day after all, or an amazing year, but I can still hope for good. Or decent. Maybe it's because I feel like I've done this all before, or maybe it's because of Connor, but nothing has to be perfect._

____

_I wished everything was different. I wished I was a part of something. I wished the things I said mattered. But instead of wishing, maybe I need to act. I have the power to change things now. I can help people and help myself._

____

_Sincerely your best and dearest friend,_

____

_Me._

____

Evan sighed and pressed print, just as Connor entered the lab. The printer whirred to life, and just like before, Connor grabbed it, and made his way back over to Evan.

____

"So. What happened to your arm?" The taller boy asked. 

____

"I fell out of a tree." 

____

Connor laughed, but not in a cruel way. "You fell out of a tree? That is just the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard. Oh my god." Evan didn't laugh this time. 

____

"Y-yeah, I know."

____

"Nobodies signed your cast." Connor said, looking at the blank white plaster that covered Evan's arm.

____

"Oh, yeah."

____

"I'll sign it." Connor said determinedly.

____

"Oh, sure, I mean-"

____

"Do you have a sharpie?" Evan stood and pulled the one he had grabbed earlier and handed it to Connor. Connor grabbed his arm and pulled, making Evan wince. Connor didn't say anything, but looked at Evan as if to make sure he was okay. He wrote his name in large, black letters, taking up as much space as possible. Connor handed the sharpie back to Evan, who shoved it back into his pocket.

____

"Thank you." Connor nodded. 

____

"Now we can- God, forget it. This is stupid." Connor said, annoyed. He balled his hands into fists, crushing Evan's letter. _Shitshitshitshit_

____

"Connor? Are you o-okay?" 

____

"No, I'm not okay! I woke up this morning and the only thing I remembered was swallowing pills until I passed out in a fucking park! I've already done all of this! It's all the same! Everything is the same, but you." Connor spoke quickly and angrily. "Why is it you? You changed. You apologized instead of laughing at me. You _asked me if I was okay!_ What do you know?" _He..remembers?_

____

"I-I um, I knew y-you were planning t-to uh, kill yourself, and it's because I r-remember that day too." Evan stuttered. 

____

"You what?"

____

"I remember! I remember y-you pushing me, and I remember you s-signing my cast, and g-grabbing my letter-" Evan gestured to the piece of paper still crumpled in Connor's fist. "-And l-leaving, and I remember t-three days later, you're p-parents come visit me at s-school and t-tell me you d-died!" Evan spoke just as quickly as Connor did, causing him to stutter more. "They-they thought my l-letter to myself w-was your s-suicide note, addressed to m-me. They t-thought we were f-friends." Connor just stood there. His eyes were wide, and he glanced quickly at the paper, before looking back down at Evan. "I'm sorry." 

____

"I- You-No. Come on. Grab your shit." Connor said, suddenly.

____

"W-what? why?" 

____

"Just do it." Connor stood as Evan grabbed his bag and logged out of the computer. 

____

"Um, C-could I have my letter please?" Evan asked meekly.

____

"Is there any creepy shit on it this time?" 

____

"No." Connor seemed satisfied and handed it back, without reading it. Evan shoved it into a folder and zipped up his bag. He threw it over one of his shoulders. "Okay um-" Connor grabbed Evan's unbroken arm and began to drag him away. "W-wait, Connor, what are you-?" 

____

"We're leaving, come on. You're going to explain why I'm not fucking dead."

____

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So, if you reconginze my title and everything, you're going to realize that I have deleted my fic. There's a ton of reasons for that, including:
> 
> -I hated my writing style  
> -I went on such a long break I forgot key things I was building up to  
> -I hated the fic itself  
> -I was embarrassed because it was terrible in my eyes  
> -I hated the way I portrayed the characters. 
> 
> So, after a long debate with myself after posting chapter 18, I decided I'm going to rewrite this fic. So I downloaded it, and I'm in the process of rewriting it in a way that it remains true to the actors and creators and makes me and my cousin, who I'm writing this for, happy.I originally just deleted the chapters, but that left the kudos and hits. I felt bad because those hits and kudos were for something that no longer existed anymore, so I deleted the fic as a whole, deciding to start fresh. 
> 
> The updating schedule will be sort of a mess until I'm at a point where I feel satisified and can begin doing weekly updates, so look forward to a bunch of rewritten chapters in the near future!!
> 
> If this is your first time reading, hey! hello! Thanks for clicking! I hope you enjoy. 
> 
> I'm sorry to anyone who cared about the original. if you want details on ow that would've ended, please message me on @vinnamon-spice on tumblr <3


End file.
